https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stirrings_Still:_The_International_Journal_of_Existential_Literature
https://web.archive.org/web/20080621002133/http://www.stirrings-still.org/archives.html
http://www.collectionscanada.gc.ca/obj/s4/f2/dsk2/tape15/PQDD_0004/MQ39420.pdf
http://www.ebookshell.com/Complete%20Short%20Prose%20(1929-1989).pdf
Stirrings Still
for Barney
Rosset
1
ONE NIGHT AS he sat at his table head on hands he saw himself rise and
go. One night or day. For when his own light went out he was not left in the
dark. Light of a kind came then from the one high window. Under it still the
stool on which till he could or would no more he used to mount to see the sky.
Why he did not crane out to see what lay beneath was perhaps because the window
was not made to open or because he could or would not open it. Perhaps he knew
only too well what lay beneath and did not wish to see it again. So he would
simply stand there high above the earth and see through the clouded pane the
cloudless sky. Its faint unchanging light unlike any light he could remember
from the days and nights when day followed
hard on night and night on day. This outer light then when his own went out
became his only light till it in its turn went out and left him in the dark.
Till it in its turn went out.
One night or day then as he sat at his
table head on hands he saw himself rise and go. First rise and stand clinging
to the table. Then sit again. Then rise again and stand clinging to the table
again. Then go. Start to go. On unseen feet start to go. So slow that only
change of place to show he went. As when he disappeared only to reappear later
at another place. Then disappeared again only to reappear again later at
another place again. So again and again disappeared again only to reappear
again later at another place again. Another place in the place where he sat at
his table head on hands. The same place and table as when Darly for example
died and left him. As when others too in their turn before and since. As when
others would too in their turn and leave him till he too in his turn. Head on
hands half hoping when he disappeared again that he would not reappear again
and half fearing that he would not. Or merely wondering. Or merely waiting.
Waiting to see if he would or would not. Leave him or not alone again waiting
for nothing again.
Seen always from behind whithersoever he
went. Same hat and coat as of old when he walked the roads. The back roads. Now
as one in a strange place seeking the way out. In the dark. In a strange place
blindly in the dark of night or day seeking the way out. A way out. To the
roads. The back roads.
A clock afar struck the hours and
half-hours. The same as when among others Darly once died and left him. Strokes
now clear as if carried by a wind now faint on the still air. Cries afar now
faint
now clear. Head on hands half hoping when
the hour struck that the half-hour would not and half fearing that it would
not. Similarly when the half-hour struck. Similarly when the cries a moment ceased.
Or merely wondering. Or merely waiting. Waiting to hear.
There had been a time he would sometimes
lift his head enough to see his hands. What of them was to be seen. One laid on
the table and the other on the one. At rest after all they did. Lift his past head
a moment to see his past hands. Then lay it back on them to rest it too. After
all it did.
The same place as when left day after day
for the roads. The back roads. Returned to night after night. Paced from wall
to wall in the dark. The then fleeting dark of night. Now as if strange to him seen
to rise and go. Disappear and reappear at another place. Disappear again and
reappear again at another place again. Or at the same. Nothing to show not the
same. No wall toward which or from. No table back toward which or further from.
In the same place as when paced from wall to wall all places as the same. Or in another. Nothing to
show not another. Where never. Rise and go in the same plaas ever. Disappear
and reappear in another where never. Nothing to show not another where never. Nothing
but the strokes. The cries. The same as ever.
Till so many strokes and cries since he
was last seen that perhaps he would not be seen again. Then so many cries since
the strokes were last heard that perhaps they would not be heard again. Then such
silence since the cries were last heard that perhaps even they would not be
heard again. Perhaps thus the end. Unless no more than a mere lull. Then all as
before. The strokes and cries as before and he as before now there now gone now
there again now gone again. Then the lull again. Then all as before again. So
again and again. And patience till the one true end to time and grief and self
and second self his own.
2
AS ONE IN HIS RIGHT MIND when at last out again he knew not how he
was not long out again when he began to wonder if he was in his right mind. For
could one not in his right mind be reasonably said to wonder if he was in his
right mind and bring what is more his remains of reason to bear on this perplexity
in the way he must be said to do if he is to be said at all? It was therefore
in the guise of a more or less reasonable being that he emerged at last he knew
not how into the outer world and had not been there for more than six or seven
hours by the clock when he could not but begin to wonder if he was in his right
mind. By the same clock whose strokes were those heard times without number in his
confinement as it struck the hours and half hours and so in a sense at first a
source of reassurance till finally one of alarm as being no clearer now than
when in principle muffled by his four walls. Then he sought help in the thought
of one hastening westward at sundown to obtain a better view of Venus and found
it of none. Of the sole other sound that of cries enlivener of his solitude as
lost to suffering he sat at his table head on hands the same was true. Of their
whenceabouts that is of clock and cries the same was true that is no more to be
determined now than as was only natural then. Bringing to bear on all this his
remains of reason he sought help in the thought that his memory of indoors was
perhaps at fault and found it of none. Further to his disarray his soundless
tread as when barefoot he trod his floor. So all ears from bad to worse till in
the end he ceased if not to hear to listen and set out to look about him.
Result finally he was in a field of grass which went some way if nothing else
to explain his tread and then a little later as if to make up for this some way
to increase his trouble. For he could recall no field of grass from even the
very heart of which no limit of any kind was to be discovered but always in some
quarter or another some end in sight such as a fence or other manner of bourne
from which to return. Nor on his looking more closely to make matters worse was
this the short green grass he seemed to remember eaten down by flocks and herds
but long and light grey in colour verging here and there on white. Then he
sought help in the thought that his memory of outdoors was perhaps at fault and
found it of none. So all eyes from bad to worse till in the end he ceased if
not to see to look (about him or more closely) and set out to take thought. To
this end for want of a stone on which to sit like Walther and cross his legs
the best he could do was stop dead and stand stock still which after a
moment of hesitation he did and of course sink his head as one deep in
meditation which after another moment of hesitation he did also. But soon weary
of vainly delving in those remains he moved on through the long hoar grass
resigned to not knowing where he was or how he got there or where he was going
or how to get back to whence he knew not how he came. So on unknowing and no
end in sight. Unknowing and what is more no wish to know nor indeed any wish of
any kind nor therefore any sorrow save that he would have wished the strokes to
cease and the cries for good and was sorry that they did not. The strokes now
faint now clear as if carried by the wind but not a breath and the cries now
faint now clear.
3
SO ON TILL STAYED when to his ears from deep within oh how
and here a word he could not catch it were to end where never till then. Rest
then before again from not long to so long that perhaps never again and then
again faint from deep within oh how and here that missing word again it were to
end where never till then. In any case whatever it might be to end and so on
was he not already as he stood there all bowed down and to his ears faint from
deep within again and again oh how something and so on was he not so far as he could see
already there where never till then? For how could even such a one as he having
once found himself in such a place not shudder to find himself in it again
which he had not done nor having shuddered seek help in vain in the thought
so-called that having somehow got out of it then he could somehow get out of it
again which he had not done either. There then all this time where never till
then and so far as he could see in every direction when he raised his head and opened his eyes no danger or hope as
the case might be of his ever getting out of it. Was he then now to press on
regardless now in one direction and now in another or on the other hand stir no
more as the case might be that is as that missing word might be which if to
warn such as sad or bad for example then of course in spite of all the one and
if the reverse then of course the other that is stir no more. Such and much
more such the hubbub in his mind so-called till nothing left from deep within but
only ever fainter oh to end. No matter how no matter where. Time and grief and
self so-called. Oh all to end.
